Confession
by stoneegg21
Summary: Ginji confesses to Ban. After episode 39 in the anime.
1. Chapter 1

In the second before you open your mouth, your heart feels like lead, and you would do anything to avoid this.

"Ban?"

Silence.

"Ban?"

Ban gives out a long sigh, and a slow plume of smoke followed by, "What now, Ginji? It's been a long day."

"Ban, you know, it's strange. I always know I could die, but-"

He rustles my hair. "Ginji. Quit being stupid. I won't let you die."

"Ban." I take a slow breath, and start over. "It hurt, lying there. It hurt a lot more than I thought it would. I always know I could die at any point, but that was so unexpected. I saw you, but I couldn't say anything. I thought I was going to die and I couldn't say anything."

"Ginji, you've got a skull of rock. You weren't in any danger." He gives a soft punch, brushing my hair. Ban's affection is always a rough thing. It still makes me grin, but I can't stop, no matter how easy it would be. I won't tell him that I could still see his face. For once, he forgot to hide behind his glasses and his grin. He'd feel embarrassed if he knew how transparent he was, with all his pride in never showing his feelings.

"Ban, in Mugenjou death was close, and everyone knew it. I forgot, coming out here, that death never goes far. And I thought, if it mattered, that I'd have time. But I didn't. I was lucky this time, but what about next time? So. Well."

"Ginji, get to the point." Tired, grumpy voice. Poor Ban. It has been a long day.

"Well. Eh. Um. Ban. I love you."

Silence.

"Well, of course you-"

"No. I mean, I really love you. Not because we're partners, or Get Backers. I love you. Like Shido loves Madoka, or Kadsuki loves Juubei. I love you. I have for a long time. I used to be afraid you'd leave me if I told, I guess I still am. So I waited. But I can't anymore, because I don't want to die without saying it. So even if you leave me, you know. Just so long as you know, it'll be ok." It's almost funny. You'd think after saying all that, I'd feel free, relieved. A heart light as a feather, instead of lead. But somehow it feels even worse than before. If I could pause this second forever, I'd do it in a flash. Eternally waiting, but never hearing the words. Sticks and stones may break bones, but words can break your soul.

"You...but....uh…Ginji, I…but, I'm a guy. I mean, just because you don't have any experience with girls and stuff doesn't mean you love me like that." Huh. I didn't know he could sound flustered. It almost makes me want to laugh.

"What? I'm not a virgin, you know. I haven't been for a very long time. I was what, 7 or 8 the first time? MakubeX once said something once, that kids start early in bad environments. And Mugenjou was pretty much the worst. And then I was the leader of the VOLTS. I got more than a few trying to seduce me so they could get better food, more protection or to say they'd done it with me or something. After a while I figured out why, so I stopped. I couldn't let them use the VOLTS like that. It wasn't right."

"Oh. But…"

"Not all of them were girls, Ban. I never cared that much about that sort of thing. It never seemed very important. Not in comparison to everything else, at least."


	2. Chapter 2

Ginji's in the backseat now, sleeping calmly. I mean, he must have been pretty scared that I'd abandon him for this, even if he didn't really show it. But how could I? I mean, this is all weird. Ginji being in love with me? Real romantic love? Ginji? One way or another, it's still Ginji. I can't abandon him for this, and only an idiot would think I would. So I told him so. After that, he said he was going to go to sleep, and that I could wake him up if I wanted anything. He didn't even hug me like he normally did. I think he was afraid of me hitting him or tightening up or something. And just off to sleep he goes.

It's frightening him being able to do that, to tell me all this. He was so scared and he did it anyway, because he thought he had to. And it's even more frightening just how calmly he goes to sleep. I always think I understand him, and I never do. I really don't know what I want to do about all this. I want for him to wake up and it all be a mistake, some sort of dream. So I don't have to worry about doing something wrong and hurting him. So he won't act like he's walking on eggshells around me. I know it was important to him to tell me this, but I don't want it to hurt the Get Backers. I couldn't stand it if it hurt him. So what do I do now? I know he expects me to solve this somehow, make it all better, make everything good. He trusts me like he trusts air. And I don't know what to do.

I think all of this is going to give me a headache. God damn it. If I smoke too much more, I'm going to kill the entire pack. I've got to stretch this pack to the end of the week. Eh, one more.

I suppose I didn't think he was a virgin. I did think he was pretty inexperienced though. It pisses me off. I think the little shit's got more experience than me. I mean, what with Maria, not staying in any one place long, and then being poor and living in my car… God. He started at seven? I was what, 16?

And I don't know why, but it really pisses me off that some asshole somewhere's touched him. I mean, with a girl, it's not such a big deal, I guess. I always figured when we got rich we'd have girls hanging off each of us, all cute and willing. Girls are girls, that's what they're for, but guys are different. I asked him who, but he just smiled and shook his head. I suppose what with Teshimine nobody could really pester him if he didn't want it, but still... Shido wouldn't tell me anything, the asshole, but I bet I could get info out of Kadzuki or MakubeX. Ginji always seems to think I'm a good man. Which is probably the best sign that he's an idiot. Actually, I'm about as far from good as you can get and not be Dr. Jackal. But I don't think I could get the info out of Kadsuki without owing him a favor, and that's not a good idea. MakubeX can be pretty naïve socially, that would probably help. On the other hand, Ginji would be unhappy with me if I got caught. And I don't trust either of those bastards not to tell. Stupid fuckers would probably think they were betraying him. Shit!

Couldn't allow them to use the Volts like that. God. It makes me angry, but it's so very Ginji. Never a thought about how they were using him, of course not. Just the Volts, and how he can't let that happen. Sometimes I'm amazed he ever lived to get out of that place. He'd damn near killed himself for his people there, and I think if he could have died to make it all better he would have. Sacrificial bastard.

Shit, I crushed my cigarette. Dammit. Well, at least I didn't crush the pack or something.

And why me for god's sake. That I don't get. I'm not nice. I'm not good. I know I'm an egotistic bastard. I'm pretty sure the only way I'm gonna get even close to heaven is because no one can say no to Ginji.

What am I gonna do…Guess one more cigarette won't hurt.

Huh. Can't hear him breathing…

Ah, there, a breath. I hate that. The idiot breathes quietly awake and even quieter when he sleeps, and sometimes in the quiet I just can't hear him. He's always breathing, but I hate having to listen like that. It always seems to take so long…

Huh.

I suppose that's all there is to it. I don't know how this will work out. I really don't know how to make it all work. Ah well, he won't know I'm clueless. Christ I just hope this works.

"Hey, Ginji? I guess I love you too."


End file.
